Three years ago you came into this world… silent. Never a cry or scream. You could have heard a pin drop on the floor.
Four weeks earlier, you tried your hardest to make an appearance, but the doctors said you needed more time. So while puking from the medication they gave me to keep you cooking longer, I went home and I waited. And then 12 days before you were supposed to be born, I again felt you trying to make your grand entrance into the world. And this time you and I were more than ready… or so we thought.
After being sent home twice from the hospital in the next 18 hours, I knew you weren’t going to make your grand entrance easily. Fast forward another 16 hours and you still wouldn’t come out. No matter how hard I tried, you were just… well… stuck. I gathered up all my strength for the next two hours and we could finally see your hair. And then your eyes and nose.
This was all wrong. You were facing the wrong way - sunny side up. But I didn’t know that until later.
In a split second you were pulled out of me, but I never heard you. Everything was silent and seemed to move in slow-motion. I finally mustered the strength to ask “is he ok?” No answer. I looked to my left and saw the swarm of nurses surrounding you, but I couldn’t see you. Nor could I hear you. Then one of them stepped to the side, and as quickly as I glanced at you, you were gone. Rushed out of the room in your plastic incubator, I felt the tears welling up in my eyes.
I was told your lung had collapsed. And in that instant my world collapsed.
I was told you weighed nearly 10 pounds. I was told I had third degree tears. All I could do was cry and feel every stitch during the 45 minutes the doctor tried to prevent me from hemorrhaging.
And yet, all I had seen of you was a blurry glimpse.
Three hours later I finally got to see you, but I couldn’t hold you, cuddle you, or feed you because in 1 minute you were being rushed to the NICU 35 minutes away.
I cried as I watched them take you. I demanded that everyone go with you on your long journey. I would be fine.
And there it was again - silence. I was alone. My body ached for you. I couldn’t believe I was without you. I couldn’t sleep, so I spent the entire night hooked up to a machine trying to even get one ounce of food for you. But the stress of everything prevented me from doing the one thing I knew you needed most. I had nothing for you. I continued to cry.
I asked the nurse to bring me the video camera lying on the window sill. I turned the camera on and turned it around. I spoke to you, begging you to forgive me, telling you that even though I wasn’t with you that I loved you. I still have yet to ever watch that video.
Morning broke and it hadn’t even been 12 hours since you were born. I made up my mind that I would never spend another night without you. I called the doctor and told her I was leaving whether she allowed it or not. I couldn’t walk yet, but I knew that if I had to crawl to you, I would. So, by wheelchair I went to stay with you for the next 4 days.
I finally held you, cuddled you, and tried to feed you. I was in awe of you. My strong little man fighting. You were the biggest baby in the NICU. Again, I cried. But this time they were tears of joy. You were going to be ok. I never slept on a more comfortable couch, touching your incubator, holding your little fingers in mine.
This is what 5 nights of no sleep and crying looked like… I couldn’t have been happier.
And now my big boy, you are three. Three years have passed, and look at you now. No more silence. You’re loud, funny, opinionated, and too smart for your own good. And everyday I revel in it. My strong-willed little man, always fighting. Always making me laugh.
I love you. Happy Birthday Dootzie-Doo.
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18 responses so far ↓
1 Maggie's Mind // Jul 21, 2008 at 11:21 pm
So very, very, very glad for you that there was a happy ending. How scary before getting to that part, though!
Maggie’s Mind’s last blog post..Yesterday Once More
2 Sarah // Jul 21, 2008 at 11:24 pm
Wow, you were right; this was a very emotional post. Looking at that picture of you after five days of no sleep and crying, I don’t see the tired, the sad, the upset; I see a mama with her beautiful little boy.
I’m so glad that it all worked out the way it did, and your baby is adorable!
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3 A Whole Lot of Nothing // Jul 21, 2008 at 11:26 pm
*Tears* dood.
I’m so glad it all worked out, and you have an adorable little man!
A Whole Lot of Nothing’s last blog post..Daddy Plays with Dolls
4 citizen jane // Jul 21, 2008 at 11:28 pm
As a NICU veteran mommy myself (25 week preemie) I know exactly what you were feeling. Amazing how time flies by, yet we still know those emotions instantly…
citizen jane’s last blog post..I Am, I Said
5 Ashley // Jul 21, 2008 at 11:38 pm
Wow, I couldn’t even imagine. I’m so sorry you ever had to go through that. Happy Birthday, little man!
(And Mama, you look beautiful in those pics!)
Ashley’s last blog post..My 100 things
6 Miss // Jul 21, 2008 at 11:50 pm
Wow… what an emotional journey you just took me on. Beautifully written! Happy Birthday Buddy!
Miss’s last blog post..Haha
7 Stacey @Real World Mom // Jul 22, 2008 at 12:23 am
What a beautiful tribute to the love between a mother and child. Happy Birthday, Little Guy!
Stacey @Real World Mom’s last blog post..Give Me 5 Monday #30
8 Write From Karen // Jul 22, 2008 at 9:15 am
Omg, I read this with tears in my eyes. My oldest son was eight weeks early and his lungs hadn’t even developed yet. No explanation as to why this happened, it just happened. He was in NICU for six weeks. (He’s now 15 and perfectly great, if not hormonal. *grin*)
I’m so very glad the little guy is okay. He is absolutely adorable (love the goggles!). You don’t TRULY appreciate life until your little one is fighting for it. Thank you for sharing his story with us.
Happy birthday, dude!
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9 Shamelessly Sassy // Jul 22, 2008 at 12:04 pm
I hope he has a fabulous birthday.
10 Heather // Jul 22, 2008 at 12:27 pm
Thanks for sharing that story with us.
Have a wonderful day and Happy Birthday little man!
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11 Holly // Jul 22, 2008 at 3:20 pm
Awww, sniff sniff. Happy birthday to the little man!
Holly’s last blog post..Knock, knock!
12 Kim // Jul 22, 2008 at 3:36 pm
Anna.. this was beautiful! Thanks for sharing with us..
Happy Birthday to your little cutie!!
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13 Sandy (Momisodes) // Jul 22, 2008 at 3:56 pm
In tears here woman. I worked in the NICU for years, and never understood the heartbreak of having a baby taken away after birth, even if for just a few hours, until I had my own.
So glad your little man was such a trooper and made it out fine. Happy Birthday!!!
Sandy (Momisodes)’s last blog post..When I Said “We” Were Trying…
14 ohmommy // Jul 22, 2008 at 4:21 pm
Happy Birthday.
What a sweet post. And then the last pic just CRACKED me up!!!!
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15 Zoeyjane // Jul 22, 2008 at 5:16 pm
Yay for happy endings and birthdays!
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16 Tara R. // Jul 22, 2008 at 5:34 pm
Happy B-Day… that last picture made me cry. He is gorgeous! Wonderful story, thank you so much for the telling.
Tara R.’s last blog post..Kids say the fargin? bastagest things
17 Lisa // Jul 26, 2008 at 12:39 am
Holy buckets! What a scare you had. I can’t even imagine….
But look at him now! What a doll he is - amazing how one look at those faces would make us do it all over again in a heart beat, isn’t it?
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18 melissa // Jul 26, 2008 at 9:48 am
awww….happy birthday, little man!!!
good job mommy!!!
xoxo
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